“We have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak.”
The Problem
Picture this: your teen comes to you with a problem and you, with all your experience, know just how to solve it. So, you give her the benefit of your experience and knowledge, and her eyes start to glaze over.
She’s drifting away and you wonder, why doesn't she appreciate it? Why isn't she taking notes?!
The truth is that she may not want you to fix it for her. She may need something else entirely.
The Solution:
Stop. Take a breath. Think. Maybe she doesn't want you to fix it for her. Maybe she wants to figure it out herself.
Or maybe she just wants a chance to vent about how frustrated, embarrassed, or overwhelmed she is. You won't know what she needs until you stop talking and start listening.
I know how difficult it is for you to see your child hurting or unhappy. Every parent who has ever lived has felt this way.
But if you make this about you and keep talking, you will surely turn your child AWAY from you.
You become another voice telling her what to do instead of being a safe place to express herself freely.
Sometimes all they need is your quiet, attentive presence. Talk less. Listen more. This simple act of listening can be the most powerful support you can offer.
The Obstacle to Progress:
So now you have the solution, which is to say less and listen more. And there’s another problem.
The solution sounds great; however, as simple as it sounds, it’s not easy. How do you keep your mouth shut when you have so much to say?
I learned from personal experience that knowing the better thing to do is easy.
Implementation is another thing altogether. I had to work through my deep-seated fears and needs: to be heard, to be right, to control, to prevent catastrophe. To remember that my way isn’t always the best way for my children, regardless of my experience and learning.
In the beginning you may not be able to do this – to say nothing – in the moment.
However, you always get a do-over: you can revisit this with your child. Here’s a suggested script about how to broach the subject:
“I was thinking about the conversation we had the other day about XYZ. Based on your reaction, I’m recognizing that maybe what you really wanted was just to talk about it and be heard. Am I on the right track here? ”
(Wait for a reply or reaction.)
“I want you to know that I’m working on it. What do you think about me asking what you need from me, rather than jumping in to fix it?”
This approach:
Shows you really care
Involves your teen in designing the solution
Empowers your child
Demonstrates your willingness to change
Teaches your child change is possible at any age
BUILDS TRUST AND CONNECTION
Win-win.
Stay tuned throughout the year for more wisdom from our Parent Coach!
Fern Weis is a Parent Coach, supporting and educating parents of teens and young adults. She helps parents nurture connected, trusting relationships, fine-tune communication skills, and create healthy, effective boundaries. In this way, they can better prepare their teens to be competent, confident, resilient adults who successfully navigate life and relationships.