A Parent-Coach Conversation
Question:
Have you experienced the “emotional bombs” teens throw at parents?
Am I the only one who feels like giving up? I have a 13-year-old daughter, and it’s emotionally overwhelming; I am so done. Is this normal or am I a terrible person?
I feel like I can’t do anything right—everything is always my fault. I’m at my breaking point. Friends and family don’t understand (their kids aren’t teens yet), so I don’t share. But it’s exhausting and unbearable.
Answer:
First, let me assure you: you’re not alone, and you’re not a bad parent. Many of us face moments like this. I’ve been through those turbulent years with one of my kids, so I understand. Here’s some perspective on teens and their intense emotions:
What You Need to Know As A Parent
1. Parenting Is About Us, Not Just Our Kids
Parenting is more about who we are than who our kids are. As much as we want to, we can’t control them (as you’ve likely discovered). What we can do is guide, support, and model the behaviors we hope to see in them. It starts with us managing our emotions and showing them how to handle challenges.
2. Their Hurtful Words Are About Them, Not You
When teens lash out with rude, belittling words, it’s often driven by their own frustration, sadness, anger, or insecurity. They push us away because they feel vulnerable, and it usually works. Their resistance to sharing their feelings stems from fear—it’s scary to be vulnerable, even with someone who loves them.
Your job is to stop taking their words personally (easier said than done, I know). But when you let their words eat away at you, it erodes your confidence and peace.
3. Teens Distrust Parents to Simply Listen
One of the biggest barriers is that teens don’t trust their parents to just listen. And let’s be honest—it’s not entirely unfounded. How often do we jump in to fix, judge, analyze, or offer advice before they’ve even finished talking? Teens, like us, want to feel heard without judgment or a lecture.
The key: Practice active listening. Put aside your urge to correct or solve. You don’t have to agree with them, but you do want them to feel safe to share with you.
4. Setting Boundaries Without Shutting Down Connection
Listening and understanding their emotions doesn’t mean you accept disrespect or poor behavior. It’s essential to set clear boundaries that protect your emotional health and teach them accountability. The key is to communicate your boundaries calmly and consistently and above all, to carry them out.
Knowing that their outbursts aren’t truly about you can help you move past the emotional sting faster. With practice, you can strike a balance between being empathetic and holding them accountable.
We’ll dive deeper into effective boundary-setting strategies next time. You’re doing the work, and that’s what matters most.
Stay tuned throughout the year for more wisdom from our Parent Coach!
Fern Weis is a Parent Coach, supporting and educating parents of teens and young adults. She helps parents nurture connected, trusting relationships, fine-tune communication skills, and create healthy, effective boundaries. In this way, they can better prepare their teens to be competent, confident, resilient adults who successfully navigate life and relationships.